Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Blast from the past 1.

So I haven't been to myspace in months. but I just went to go look at my old blogs. I'll post them all here, since that's where this whole thing started. here's one from April 27th, 2005.

porno for strangers

One day when I was young I was walking down the street and a man came up to me and handed me a twenty-dollar bill. He said, ”Son, I want you to go into that store and buy me a porno magazine." I asked him why he didn't just get one himself and he looked at me wide eyed and worried and said, "they know me in there, they know me." So I went in side to purchase a magazine from the rack that was facing away from the front door. The rack tucked back in the dark "pervy" corner of the store. The challenge was deciding what kind of porn the old man wanted. Does he want young women, or does he prefer to look at women his own age. I looked at the magazines. I picked them up, looked, put them back, over and over and over. I must have been in there for a few days trying to select the right smutty picture catalog for the old stranger. Finally I found one that I was sure would be just right for a man such as the stranger. Lesbian nurses. I purchased the concentrated sin with no problem from the clerk. In fact he gave me a discount because it was coincidentally the first day I could legally buy this type of item (my 18th birthday). Unfortunately the old man was dead when I found him. The Dr. said it was alcohol poisoning, but I knew he really died of a broken heart, or pornlessness, definitely not alcohol poisoning. What an idiot that Doctor was. I hate doctors.

Friday, August 28, 2009


it's late. I should be sleeping but for whatever reason I feel like doing this now. This is my new blog y'all. Mostly words, maybe some art later. I just kind of want to be writing sometimes, so I think I'll do it here on the internet where it can be ridiculed or ignored. Heeeeere goes.

I used to live in Georgia. It was not awesome. Especially so because it was not the state of Georgia, but the town of Georgia in south Dakota, population 6. Including me, a nice Mexican family of 3, and Lucas Haas and his girlfriend. I got to the town 3 months before Lucas and Daisy came, and when they did the Lopez's Assumed me and Lucas were brothers, but I assured them we are not.
Daisy and I actually hit it off rather well and we often hung out at the park while Lucas stayed home "honing his craft," as she put it. She always seemed annoyed with his dedication to his art form, but we both knew his beat-boxing youtube videos were going to re-ignite his star in Hollywood. I didn't mind his absence though, daisy was enough company for me.
It became tradition that every Tuesday I would eat with the Lopez family. Maggie made awesome home-made tortillas, and we always had black beans instead of pinto beans. One Tuesday Daisy and I both came for dinner. It was out of routine but the Lopez's were laid back, and always made more food than just the 4 of us could handle. Steve, Maggie and Rebecca's father decided to get Lucas out of the house, just to make this dinner a "whole town affair." The remaining 4 of us decided to start eating and let the other guys catch up when they got back.
15 minutes passed before we heard Steve's old truck pull back into the driveway. We all turned to greet the 2 men as they came through the front door, but there was a problem. When we turned around there was only one man. It was Lucas, wearing Steve's clothes. The Lopez's and I were nervous but Daisy seemed very amused. Lucas Began doing a very poor impression of Steve. He waddled over to the table and in a very Brando-esque voice asked, "where's the green bean casserole?" Daisy laughed so hard it startled Rebecca who's eyes were already welling up with tears. "Where's Steve?" Maggie asked. "What are you talking about? I AM Steve. Steve Lopez, father of Maggie and Rebecca. Owner of Steve's park supplies," and suddenly "DESTROYER OF WORLDS!" Daisy began screaming and spewing fire from her nostrils. Lucas flipped the dinner table over and it hit the ceiling and stuck there as if it were now the floor. Maggie and Rebecca were scared for their lives. They cried for help, but there was only me who could. I was after all the sheriff of this town. I pulled my gun and aimed it at Lucas and yelled, "HEY, CUT IT OUT!" it was the only thing I could think of. I'm not a good authority figure. Lucas glared at me and my gun melted in my hands. It burned, but I thought fast and flung as much as I could at Lucas. A large amount of the molten steal and lead landed on his face and began to burn him. He screamed like a dinosaur and started to convulse on the floor until he passed out. Daisy ran to him, still screaming and spewing fire, and they both caught fire and were incinerated almost within seconds.
I found Steve naked at Lucas and Daisy's house 2 days later when the girls and I got out of the hospital one town over. He was playing spider solitaire on the computer.